Once Upon a Time

That's right my friends, I have moved.

I decided it's the right time for me to give up this journal, as it has a lot of bad memories (also some good ones, not going to lie), but many a bad one, so I need something new. I don't want to be reminded of some of the things I've had to deal with. So, my new journal is located:

passpartout

The username comes from one of my absolutely favorite books ever and I was positively shocked when it wasn't taken.

Add me, and I'll gladly add you back =]

I didn't win the tickets to go see Josh in Chess =[

It was a contest on friendsofjoshgroban.com and I wanted to win so bad because I couldn't go see Chess otherwise and it's one of my favorite musicals ever, if not my favorite, and now I can't see it. And sure, I knew I wouldn't win, but that doesn't make it any less upsetting.

I really wanted it =[

So, I went to see RENT last night and it was AMAZING. The cast was wonderful and it was so touching and guh. Even after 10 times, it's still fresh as ever. So, as a little gift to all my Broadway minded friends - I may or may not have had a recording device. ^^ Anyway, - enjoy!

( “Giftage” )

From this point on, I'm going to make my journal friends only. That means, if you want to see - you have to add me/I have to add you. So, if my life and ranting affects you that much, by all means, leave a message to this post and I'll add you.

Thanks so much.
Love, Jess.

We gather here to say our goodbyes.

RENT is closing in June. This is possibly the worst announcement ever. How could they do this to me?! Broadway is not going to be the same, at all, ever without RENT highlighting the theatre.

I can't even go on the last day either because that's graduation and it'd be frickin terrible to miss graduation because of a show, though I would love to. Maybe one day after finals/during finals I can go and get out my last good cry before it leaves forever... WAHHHHHH

I just want to know why RENT? I mean, tons of other shows SUCK. At least RENT is decent and not campy or stupid like some musicals. Rawr. I don't know whether to be mad, sad, shocked, horrified, sad, or all of the above at the same time. It's truly terrible, really. I kind of want to go cry in a corner. WHY RENT?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

So, today has been infinitely better than yesterday. I spent the better part of it playing zoo tycoon, for which I am probably twenty IQ points less intelligent, but had a lot of fun. My zoo was bitchin' and everyone was happy and all my animals were happy.

Though, snow leopards are a bitch. They are never happy and in the end, I got rid of them because they were making my zoo miserable. And monkeys breed every two seconds - so do lions. It's fricking weird. I love that game though, I might play later, depending on what I feel like and make another killer zoo. If there's no school tomorrow, I know what I'm doing with my day.

I'll breed more pandas or something lol. Maybe kill some snow leopards, or make a zoo of just big cats. That would be fun. I dunno, I'm weird like that. Let's see how it goes lol. I kind of want there to be school tomorrow, not gonna lie. I don't want to lose days before midterms because of the crazy amount of work I have to do in English/Euro, which would suck major.

Ah well. Saw Juno. absolutely adore it. Must buy CD.

Officially 18. Officially a legal adult. Officially able to be able to be prosecuted. Officially able to buy lotto tickets. Officially able to buy porn. Officially able to buy cigarettes. Officially past childhood.

Wow. Crazy. Too bad I'm spending my birthday at home writing in my livejournal and with my family and not feeling well on top of it. My birthday's always suck, I'm cursed. It's not fair. Not only that but I am somehow in a crazy mood swing or something and feel completely and utterly depressed for no good reason - usually happens on my birthday.

Oh yea, and still haven't gotten that first kiss yet. 18 years old and completely undesirable/undateable. Ah well, typical birthday and typical birthday thoughts. Inconsequential to my friends and has to be shared with football. First, Ben's banquet, which sucked. And then a game that doesn't allow for me to even go downstairs for fear of having to watch it.

Not only am I still sick, but my birthday is Saturday and no one is coming over for me except my family. I mean, they count, but none of my friends are coming over because they all have other crap to do. Bah.

Oh well, I guess I get to sit in my bedroom on Saturday night and do nothing - like usual. That suuuuuuucks.

Alright, well, I didn't go to bed until a little past midnight anyway, to start things off. Granted, I took an hour nap this afternoon to sort of make up for some sleep loss because I can't sleep when my mom's not home (slight phobia of mine) so I waited until she got home from picking up my grandmother up at the airport, which was midnight.

Then, I slept for oh... three hours and woke up mysteriously to my computer being a dumbass. So, I decided since I couldn't fall back asleep, I was going to fix it. How well did this work out? I had to turn it on and off like four times to get the internet to work again and then I wasn't tired, so I signed on AIM.

There isn't much to do, I must admit, and my stomach is killing me. I just threw up, not a pleasant experience, and it's really frickin cold, which isn't helping either. I have school tomorrow and can't go back to sleep, feel incredibly ill, and am still awake with a churning stomach. I might try to go to sleep... but it's very difficult. Ugh. Gross.

Today must be the day for door to door solicitors or something, cuz I swear, four people came to our door today. It was really random, if I do say so myself. The first one I almost started crying cuz I thought it was my brother then I went downstairs and it was some ghetto dude and he saw me in the window then he wouldn't leave.

I started to freak out, especially when he rang the doorbell like three more times, but he finally left (thank God!). Then, several hours later, I was completely unsuspecting; however, the memory of sketchy ghetto dude was fresh in my mind as the doorbell rang AGAIN. This time, I decided I would look out the window first.

So, I went into my brother's room and looked out the window. Unfortunately, I am not stealthy like I thought and three GORGEOUS guys dressed up really nice looked up to the window and starting waving to me. I was mortified since I'm in my pajamas and look terrible. So I ducked back into the room and didn't answer the door. Kind of sad, they were cute and obviously had some sort of sense of humor as they waved to me. Damn, I coulda gotten a phone number.

Ah well, I guess it wasn't meant to be. And, like my mom said, three of them and one of me, probably a bad idea, not that they'd want me lol. I look like crap and have a monthly visitor from hell. Ah well, that was the crazy afternoon that wasn't really crazy after all. I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow, not looking forwards to it at all, actually. I should probably do some of it today. I don't really feel like it though. Bah. This sucks. I hate my busy days.

Must. Kill. Homework.

Wow. That movie was actually quite exceptional for a book adaption. Usually I find them terrible and done horribly, but the Kite Runner was a movie I want to see again because it was done so well. The actors were perfect and it was extremely authentic. They spoke in Dari when they were doing the scenes in Afghanistan (unless the actors were supposed to speak English) and it added another element to the film altogether.

It was really beautifully done for a film and despite the fact they cut out most of the struggle getting Sohrab into America and the whole hospital bit with Amir and then Sohrab attempting suicide, it was actually quite true to the book. I could spot the direct quotes and some parts just made you smile and others brought you to the verge of tears.

I wasn't pleased with Assef, but it wasn't because the actor wasn't good. He was phenomenal (both old and young); however, they made him full a full Afghan, rather than half German. He wasn't blond and didn't have blue eyes - which took away from the unique and terrible aspect of his character, considering how he calls Hassan a lower class when he is not even a full breed. However, that's a nitpick. The kite scenes were so.. spectacular.

I couldn't tell if the kites were real or computer animated sometimes, that's how amazingly they moved and acted. Of course, they are real, because from what I read they had the top kite flyers in Afghanistan giving the directors/actors pointers on how to do certain things and show them how to really capture the mood of kite flying.

The most perfect casting, I think, was Baba. He was just the essence of honor and dignity and the scene in the truck when the Russian soldier wants to shoot him was so tense and terrifying. Even though you know what's going to happen, half the time you're on the edge of your seat waiting for it to happen. I had to keep reminding myself that he didn't die or that some things that you thought would happen weren't actually going to.

Amir was exceptional and the child actors were even better. It was so terrible, the rape scene, that is. It was done in such a way that it wasn't disgusting or too dramatic, but at the same time, because you knew what was going on, it was dramatic. And the little boy looked so convincing afterwards, it was heart wrenching. They even showed the blood in the snow, which was terrible.

I adored the way the movie opened, "Amir, there's a way to be good again." It was so perfect. And then the music was spectacular. It was all Middle Eastern and very fitting to the scene, even when they were in America. Which reminds me, the scene in the bar after Amir graduates from college was hysterical. Baba was so funny when he was so proud. He buys a round for everyone in the bar and to toast he goes "FUCK THE RUSSIA!" it was so funny, I almost died laughing. The wedding was another funny part, but that was due to the ridiculous dancing and sleazy guys in the background that I happened to notice.

If you get a chance, go see it. It was amazing and since I usually HATE book adaptations, it's kind of a big deal when I say it was amazing.

Alright, well I got my first acceptance letter. I have no intention of actually going to Sacred Heart University, but if I don't get in anywhere else, at least I have my safety school all set. That's really good, I think. It's a pretty nice school, I'll get a good education - though I'd rather go elsewhere. But, whatevs. At least I got accepted =]

So, I got a sort of apology for what happened yesterday, though I feel like it was forced and insincere and pretty much nasty to me, trying to make me look bad or feel bad for something I know I didn't do. I may have misunderstood, but that doesn't mean be a bitch to me and try to make me feel bad for it. Be nice for God's sake, is that so hard to ask?

I might have overreacted, I know that's a valid thought, but that doesn't mean it's all my fault. A misunderstanding shouldn't be treated so harshly, if that was what it was. I felt like I was being attacked for not getting it. That's really not my direct fault. It could have been explained to me earlier too. Waiting an entire day to talk to me seems a bit odd to me, but that could be a misunderstanding too - I guess.

Since this is my LJ I don't feel so bad about talking about myself so much, but seriously now, did I do something wrong? Is not understanding something suddenly a crime? I thought what I thought, I was open to a NICE apology and reconciliation, instead I got this nasty thing that was going at me. Not fair, seriously. I was willing to listen, I was, but not when I'm being attacked.

I talked to Miles today and he was absolutely shocked I have such a terrible view of myself and that I'm so incredibly passive. I don't strike people as the type at all, I pretend to be so outgoing, but I'm really not. I don't like to do things a lot and really have terrible self image for someone who says she loves herself so much.

It's hard to explain to people because no one, absolutely no one, believes I have so much that I am insecure about. I worry about people thinking I'm boring for God's sake. How ridiculous is that? Appearances are so crucial to me that I act like I'm this ball of fire and energy, when I'm really, really not. However, that's me. Jess, the constant worrier and human faker.

It's a wonder I don't have aspirations to be in theatre, I act so much of the time, it's second nature. However, that's not for me. Too much exposure, would probably force me to go crazy.

I don't understand what I did to some people to make them treat me so badly. Do I not matter? Are my feelings null and void? After knowing that I was made to feel bad earlier no one's even apologized to me. I see how it is. However, when I do something so trivial that it doesn't even matter to anyone, I'm expected to grovel and beg for forgiveness.

How is this fair to me? I don't understand it. Even if it was a miscommunication (as someone ELSE framed to me), have the decency to say you're sorry for making me feel bad or talk to me. What's so bad about that? Did I do something so terrible to not afford me the luxury of an apology when I'm constantly getting picked on or teased? I'm the nice one. How is this right?

If I need/want something, God forbid I ask. It's an inconvenience and someone doesn't want to or something. But, when someone needs me, they'll come crawling back and EXPECT me to go along with it. If they want to do something and I have to be part of it, if I say no then I'm the bitch. It's completely my fault and I ruin their fun. Why do I get treated so terribly?

Oh right, because I'm too nice and I forgive everyone far too easily no matter how badly they treat me and pretend that everything is okay even when it's not. I'm a fucking doormat when it comes to people and I violated my own resolution today and didn't stand up for myself at all. I just let them go on and do what they wanted to do and sat in my corner and sulked.

And my options are limited. So, I either deal with it or drop it, but dropping it means I lose a lot of other friends in the process. I need to do some serious thinking.

Ever love yourself so much you hate yourself? lol

I drank two espresso right after I came home from school today, which is probably not a good idea because my mind is running about a hundred miles a minute. However, it was wonderful to drink, so I'm good. Anyway, then I decided "I'm gonna look up my name on iTunes!"

This resulted in crazy amounts of songs with my name in them. I actually looked up Jessie, Jessica, and Jess and that produced 15 songs that I actually liked. So, I downloaded them all and am having a Jess field day, cuz I'm wonderful. It's so dorky, I love it.

Some of the songs are so good too, which is terrible lol I guess Jessica is just such a wonderful name. Ah well, I love them and even if other people don't love me, I love myself, and that's all that matters, dammit!

I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. People will learn to appreciate me for what I was, a doormat. But I'm not taking it anymore. I don't have to! When I'm filthy rich and everyone who has taken advantage of me/ever made me feel bad is working for me - they'll learn that they should have been nicer to me.

Anyway, after that minirant, I'm gonna go and calm down somehow. Probably read or something - since sleep is out of the question, damn the glory that is the doubleshot espresso.

Alright, well, I've never been good at this resolution thing. I've never really had it in me to make one that's really hard to keep and, to be honest, I usually forget them right after I say them, so I haven't made a serious one in quite some years. This being said, I think I need to make some serious resolutions this year - ones that I won't take for granted. So, here it goes.

Just as a side note, I feel like Bridget Jones doing this, so bear with me, please.

One: Lose 20 lbs
This shouldn't be so hard. It isn't like it's that much weight (compared to what I've already lost) and with college approaching, I really need to prep myself for the freshman fifteen, which I am probably destined to gain because God forbid I stay the same size for more than a month, right?

Two: Get a Job
This one is obvious. I need money and I need to meet new people, a job is a great opportunity to do both of these things. Perhaps I'll stop being so picky and do something that everyone else would do rather than aspire to some sort of glorified bookshop assistant ;)

Three: Have a Date for Prom
Does it really need explanation?

Four: Make New Friends
I love my old friends, but I feel like I'm at a period where I need to add to my group. Sometimes I feel like I've changed a lot and thusly need to adjust myself accordingly.

Five: GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER
Self explanatory. Goes along with Two, Three, and Four, really.

Six: Don't be such a doormat.
For the better part of my entire life, I've been taking shit because I don't feel like fighting. Well, it's time now that I start standing up for myself and not let other people walk all over me. I enjoy being nice (well for the most part), but I'm sick of everyone else taking advantage of me and my inability to stand up for what I want.

Seven: Figure myself out
Sometimes, I don't even think I know me. This year is a journey to figure out who I am and where I fit in. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out everything else and answer the questions about life that I have.

Eight: Get my driver's license
Yea, I'm gonna be 18 in 12 days, I should get on that.

Six is probably my most important goal. Above all, I want to assert myself and let everyone know that I'm not to be walked all over. I'm my own person and I can do what I want! Don't tread on me! And seven is also severely important to me, if I figure myself out, then I know everything I need to know.

Hopefully college coming up will aid in all of these ventures.
Goodbye 2007. Hello 2008!

I GOT A KISS ON THE CHEEK FROM MAX VON ESSEN!
SQUEEEEEEEEEE

So, armed with many iTunes gift cards I went on a search for music today and came up EXTREMELY successfully. I bought "Into the Wild soundtrack," which is completely done by Eddie Vedder.

He's amazing, I found. I love the music and although I had no interest in seeing the movie, the actual music in it is amazing, which is cool. I might have to see it now seeing as though that album is <3.

Then, I bought "LP" by Landon Pigg, a great coffeehouse kind of artist. He's got a very mellow sound about him with some good lyrics, plus he's really good looking, which is always a plus. I like his sound, which is good and his album is really good. Get it!

But, anyway, so, there was a mini-blow up this morning as a follow up to the blow up last night. My mom is still being incredibly nasty to me, which is not what I wanted, but I can't really do anything else. I told her if she wants to come that badly then I'll change our plans, but of course, that's not an option. She's a nutcase like that, so that's the story there. I'm still trying to be chill about it, which is becoming increasingly difficult, but then again, what's not hard anymore?

I had trouble sleeping last night, didn't help. Had some weird ass dreams. I was being stolen from my mom's car and carried off and I couldn't scream for help or anything. It was very scary. Then, I woke up and had to try to fall back asleep again, which wasn't working. However, when I did end up falling asleep I dreamed that I was manager of the track team and to open up a track meet Max Von Essen sang "I just can't wait to be king" from the Lion King. It was soooooooooo weird.

Then, this morning I woke up and wrote two essays: both on medieval Europe, which was incredibly boring. However, they're done and I'm set for the time being. In addition to that, I finished my last college applications and just have to read and answer Euro questions for the rest of vacation. I think I've done a good job pacing myself. I guess when I'm agitated and nervous I can do homework very well.

Now, I get to wait to hear back from my schools and then I'm set. Let's hope this all works out for the best. In short: I had nightmares/weird dreams, had a fight with my mom, wrote two papers, finished college applications, and found two amazing new CDs.

Ugh, this evening has been... interesting. My mother is being insane, as usual, but tonight it was an entirely different level of crazy. Things come in two levels, so I'll start with what started to make me angry: she called me downstairs.

Now, this wouldn't have been a problem if she hadn't basically accused one of my friends who I have been talking to for YEARS and she has talked to on the phone before of being a child molester. Now, she didn't come right out and say that, but she was like:
"Does she have a job?"
"A boyfriend?"
"Is she still on the computer all the time?"
"Did she finish school?"
"How often does she talk to you?"
"Is she doing something with her life now?"

It's like, she's talked to her on the phone before. And then when I pointed this out, she said "What if that was a set up?" Are you kidding me? That is just... omg. I can't even describe how ridiculous that sounds. But, because I didn't feel like fighting with her, I completely dropped the issue and came back upstairs to listen to music and work on stuff.

So, later, I was talking to Kristen and we're trying to figure out what was going on Sunday for our NYC extravaganza, and that just blew up in my face too, which was horrendous. My mom insisted that she has to come, which is ridiculous because obviously I am not five years old and I wanted to do something independently for once. I will be eighteen in exactly two weeks from two hours from now and I think it's reasonable that I can go to NYC for the hundred thousandth time without anyone having to hold my hand.

Well, as I tell her this, she immediately freaks out and blames me for never wanting to spend time with her and how much I hate her but love Kristen's mom and how I would rather not have her for a mother. So I called her annoying - ANNOYING, and she frigging bugs out on me, like I called her something worse. Then we both start yelling because I'm frustrated and she's a pyscho, so she's telling me all this shit about how I'm not even close to being an adult and whatnot.

So, I start yelling back at her and it basically escalates to the point where I didn't even want to go anymore. So I scream at her that I'm not going and it doesn't even matter so she freaks out on me and makes it seem like I'm doing it to punish her because everything is about her of course, but that's not the truth (according to her). So, she starts yelling that I am going and forces me to call Kristen and explain that I am coming and whatever, but like, it was so not worth fighting with her about.

Also, during this blow out, I brought up about how she worries too much and it's stupid to think that my friend is a molester. Then she goes "Well, I thought it would make you think about things." Honestly, like what is there to think about? My friend is NOT a child molester. Gah. That's so annoying. So, we started to fight about that as well, and it escalated further - which was really annoying - gave me a headache.

She continually treats me like I'm five years old and it's like I'm not a baby anymore. I'll be in college next year and taking the train all the freaking time home and back. It's not like I haven't been to the city hundreds of times before either. I realize she worries about everything, but it's verging on the point of ridiculous. She's crazy about some things.

The whole questioning me about my friend thing came out of nowhere and then she thinks that I'm going to get mugged/raped by anyone who I see on the street. Midtown Manhattan is completely different than - oh Harlem. It's gonna be busy, but it'll be busy with hundreds of tourists, it's not like something bad happens EVERY time someone goes into the city. But, I got my way, despite what seemed like hours of fighting on the issue.

Needless to say, I'm trying to calm myself, which is quite difficult after screaming for quite a while. I have chamomile flower tea right now, which is helping, and I'm trying to do the breathing I'm supposed to practice for voice lessons, which is surprisingly therapeutic as well. My nails are basically bit down to the bone though, which hurts and I'm trying to ignore it; however, that's hard to do when you're typing lol.

Hope tomorrow is a better day, despite the fact I have tons of homework and the family is coming over. When do I get a break?

So, Christmas is over and it feels like it didn't really come - you know? I feel like this Christmas season just wasn't the same as it ever was, but maybe because it was so much unlike every previous year. My grandmother wasn't here, for one. She decided to go on vacation instead of spend Christmas with us, which was rather odd.

But yea, it's over before it even started really, and then it's back to school next week and I haven't done any of the work I have to do yet, but I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to do anything. I can't pay attention and have such a hard time doing things - so distracted. The holidays are joyous and depressing at the same time.

We went to visit my poppy yesterday and it was just the saddest thing ever. He was my grandmother's second husband and she divorced him like two years ago. But, he's in a rehabilitation center because he broke his pelvis after he fell. Now, he's broken a lot of bones in the past year and he's approaching his 80th birthday and he's all alone. His biological children don't visit him, my grandmother gets pissed whenever we visit him, and he's just so sad. So, my Aunty Barb, Stevie, Bri, Ben, Mom and I went to see him yesterday for Christmas.

He was so surprised and he started crying and it was terrible because he's so without family, aside from a few people here and there. No one will take him in and we can't, obviously, and he was saying how 80 years went by so fast and he couldn't take any of it back, and even if he didn't want to, he would want to be young again. It just made me so sad and I started to think what if I end up like that? My mom tried to sate my fears, but I don't know, it was just so sad and to think that my grandmother is out exploring God knows where while he's in the hospital so much - it's so depressing.

But, New Year's Eve is coming and that's always fun. I'm going to New York City tomorrow to go to the museum (yay) and then out to dinner with my grandparents, then I'm going to NYC again on Sunday to go see Les Mis with Kristen, which will also be fun. It's keeping my mind off the sad thoughts I've encountered. And I turn 18 soon, which is also good, although ultimately useless.

Woohoo I can buy cigarettes and porn? Like I don't care about that stuff. But, whatever. It's a milestone and I get to see Spring Awakening for it, so that works for me. I want to wear a little birthday crown to show that it's my bday and hope that maybe the cast will give me a hug or something, particularly the male members of the cast O:-) cuz... yum. Even if Gallagher left (Sniff sniff) I'm sure there's an equally as attractive boy now.

Let's hope I can hold out lol.